Communication. What is that?

Do you ever feel like you made the wrong decision? Well, I do I feel like I married the wrong person. I don't love him anymore and really don't want to be around him at all! I have always thought that he was just focused on sex and he didn't really give me the emoitional connection that I need but, now that I am going though some difficult times with myself he has just checked out. He doesn't do anythign except tell me how bad I suck and how lazy I am and he just yells and bitches at me all the time. That is the extent of our communication. I try to talk to him and I get shut down. He is not going to have any of that! I am just tired of it. I want someone that is not afraid to talk to me. Someone who cares about my well being not just want me to do something because they think that is what I should be doing! He doesn't care about my feelings or anything really! I tell him things that I am feeling and he just blows it off! I am so conflicted I don't know what to do!

I am all over the place !

I am an emoitonal basket case today! One minute I am down and then angry and then sad and then happy. It the emoitions change so quickly and it is annoying! So, I was about to have sex with my husband and it was making me angry. I didn't want to and now even looking at him makes me mad. I hate the way he talks to me and I was just pissed off that I had to have sex with him! When we were done I was crying and I am not even sure why but I was just laying there thinking to myself do I even love him anymore. Then that led me to thank about this guy that I am talking to thinking that he doesn't even really like me. He likes the girl that he thanks I am and I am wondering why I even talk to him because he likes the girl I wanna be. I want to be with him so bad but I know he would never ever be with the real me! It is sad but that is my life!

Simply Pathetic

I am just sitting here thinking about how truly fucked up that I am! I pretend to be other girls and talk to boys for attention get them to really like me and sometimes I really like them back but, I can't do anything about it because they think I am someone else even though i know who I have feelings for they don't and it is just stupid and I don't know why I continue to do but I do and I am so stupid! Hopefully I will be able to stop!

I don't get it

So, I have been married for 7 years to this man and I don't understand why he has changed doesn't treat me the same. I just don't feel love anymore.
He used to care and take care of me but be has stopped it feels like we are roommates that have sex and have a kid together. It is very sad. I remember the days when I would just want to lay in his arms or hold his hand or even just be close to him but it isn't like that anymore.
It is like he woke up one morning and decided that he wasn't going to be the same man I married and well I am having a hard time getting use to it. Where did our love go?

Tonight I wanna die!

I was so sad today and all I kept thinking about was cutting myself. I didn't but it has been on my mind all day. I have such an intense ache in my heart and I feel like it needs to be released but I don't know how. I don't have anyone that I can talk to that understands how I feel or even really listen to what I have to say! So, I sit and cry and resist the urge to do the thing that I know will make me feel better!

Oops!

Well, I have been caught ..... One of the guys figured it out becuase I am stupid and left her name on one of the pictures. I can't believe I am that stupid. O' well he got my nerves any way so, I am slowly dwindling down the guys and I don't know if I even wanna play this game anymore. It is so much work just for a little self gratification.

I just want to give up!

"Nobody said it was easy but, nobody said it was this hard!'

I have a constant ache in my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I try so hard to pretend that I am ok but I am not..... I am soooooo far from being ok! Nothing makes me happy and I just want to avoid the world in general but they won't let me! I can' t snap out of it! I am living in a dark hole and I can't climb out! I try to pretend that I am someone else to help me cope and at least for a moment it makes me feel a little bit of happiness but, it hurts so bad all in the same. I can't even remember the last time I didn't feel like this. I am gone and I am afraid that I may never come back! I am falling deeper and deeper and no one is trying to pull me back up! I am so sure that everyone is tired of me and think that I am making excuses but they don't know how I feel and how hard it is to escape the pain.
I try so hard to feel better and I try to do things for other people just so I can get a thank you or you are great or just anything positive becuase I feel like I am around nothing but negative and I know I don't make it easy but when I am being difficult that is when I need you to love me the most!
I have lost my desire to do anything that I once loved and I just want to give up.