Communication. What is that?

Do you ever feel like you made the wrong decision? Well, I do I feel like I married the wrong person. I don't love him anymore and really don't want to be around him at all! I have always thought that he was just focused on sex and he didn't really give me the emoitional connection that I need but, now that I am going though some difficult times with myself he has just checked out. He doesn't do anythign except tell me how bad I suck and how lazy I am and he just yells and bitches at me all the time. That is the extent of our communication. I try to talk to him and I get shut down. He is not going to have any of that! I am just tired of it. I want someone that is not afraid to talk to me. Someone who cares about my well being not just want me to do something because they think that is what I should be doing! He doesn't care about my feelings or anything really! I tell him things that I am feeling and he just blows it off! I am so conflicted I don't know what to do!

I am all over the place !

I am an emoitonal basket case today! One minute I am down and then angry and then sad and then happy. It the emoitions change so quickly and it is annoying! So, I was about to have sex with my husband and it was making me angry. I didn't want to and now even looking at him makes me mad. I hate the way he talks to me and I was just pissed off that I had to have sex with him! When we were done I was crying and I am not even sure why but I was just laying there thinking to myself do I even love him anymore. Then that led me to thank about this guy that I am talking to thinking that he doesn't even really like me. He likes the girl that he thanks I am and I am wondering why I even talk to him because he likes the girl I wanna be. I want to be with him so bad but I know he would never ever be with the real me! It is sad but that is my life!

Simply Pathetic

I am just sitting here thinking about how truly fucked up that I am! I pretend to be other girls and talk to boys for attention get them to really like me and sometimes I really like them back but, I can't do anything about it because they think I am someone else even though i know who I have feelings for they don't and it is just stupid and I don't know why I continue to do but I do and I am so stupid! Hopefully I will be able to stop!

I don't get it

So, I have been married for 7 years to this man and I don't understand why he has changed doesn't treat me the same. I just don't feel love anymore.
He used to care and take care of me but be has stopped it feels like we are roommates that have sex and have a kid together. It is very sad. I remember the days when I would just want to lay in his arms or hold his hand or even just be close to him but it isn't like that anymore.
It is like he woke up one morning and decided that he wasn't going to be the same man I married and well I am having a hard time getting use to it. Where did our love go?

Tonight I wanna die!

I was so sad today and all I kept thinking about was cutting myself. I didn't but it has been on my mind all day. I have such an intense ache in my heart and I feel like it needs to be released but I don't know how. I don't have anyone that I can talk to that understands how I feel or even really listen to what I have to say! So, I sit and cry and resist the urge to do the thing that I know will make me feel better!

Oops!

Well, I have been caught ..... One of the guys figured it out becuase I am stupid and left her name on one of the pictures. I can't believe I am that stupid. O' well he got my nerves any way so, I am slowly dwindling down the guys and I don't know if I even wanna play this game anymore. It is so much work just for a little self gratification.

I just want to give up!

"Nobody said it was easy but, nobody said it was this hard!'

I have a constant ache in my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I try so hard to pretend that I am ok but I am not..... I am soooooo far from being ok! Nothing makes me happy and I just want to avoid the world in general but they won't let me! I can' t snap out of it! I am living in a dark hole and I can't climb out! I try to pretend that I am someone else to help me cope and at least for a moment it makes me feel a little bit of happiness but, it hurts so bad all in the same. I can't even remember the last time I didn't feel like this. I am gone and I am afraid that I may never come back! I am falling deeper and deeper and no one is trying to pull me back up! I am so sure that everyone is tired of me and think that I am making excuses but they don't know how I feel and how hard it is to escape the pain.
I try so hard to feel better and I try to do things for other people just so I can get a thank you or you are great or just anything positive becuase I feel like I am around nothing but negative and I know I don't make it easy but when I am being difficult that is when I need you to love me the most!
I have lost my desire to do anything that I once loved and I just want to give up.
　

Boys Boys Boys!

I am getting so overwhelmed with these boys and their crazy feelings!

I have one that is cute and I liked talking to him at 1st but he is just so freaking needy. He wants this from me and that from me and well I just don't have time to deal with it! So, I tried to tell him I was done and he basically begged for me not to be! I explained to him the problems and I said I would continue to talk to him but, I can't have all the pressure put on me!

So, this other boy I just recently started talking to is completely insane. He goes from 1 minute saying that he is so lucky he is talking to me and I try to reassure him that I am a normal girl and then he sends me crazy texts saying stuff like thank you for playing with my heart when I just got off the phone with him and we had a nice conversation. He has a lot of insecurities that I am not sure I can handle.

Then the other boy who thinks we are going to get married but puts no time or effort into really talking to me. We are in different time zones so it makes it difficult to be on the same track but I try to talk to him and well I just feel like I am getting nothing in return!

Then there is boy # 4 who is totally cool to talk to. We have only been talking for a couple of days but seems totally awesome.

Black

Apparently it is ok to treat me like shit as long as your name is Michael. Your mom can watch him abuse me physically and talk to me however he wants but if I try to defend myself or even talk to him  I am in the wrong. I am so tired of living b/c I am worthless. I don't do anything so, I have no reason to live. In fact everyone would probably be better off without me. So, I might just do it. I could take some pills and just go to sleep and never wake up and not have to deal with him or mom or even try to be a good sister and try to do the right thing b/c nothing I do is right! I am not even a good mother according to everyone so, maybe B will be better off he has a new mom! My heart is broken b/c I am not loved and and I just want to be loved Fuck'em all! I'm out!

CrAzY

So, here I am doing my thing talking to random guys!

I am one girl that is head over heels for this boy and I know that he is an awesome guy and any girl would be lucky enough to be with him but, it's not gonna happen for me b/c I am not me! I love and hate it all at the same time!

So, I am another girl who talks to a few different guys and omg they are crazy about her but, I could care less if I talked to them again!

It's just that 1st boy as got me thinking that maybe just maybe he could love the real me!

O' boy!

Wow, I have never met a guy like you!  You are funny, smart and good looking adn you don't have a problem communicating.  You seem to be a dream come true but a dream that is not mine.  We would be perfect together except you think I am ugly.  You don't know that the girl you are talking to is that fat girl that messaged you.  When am I going to learn to stop messing with these boys heads.  I keep trying to figure out how I can make it work but,  I just can't. I am not going to tell you the truth but I don't know what I am going to do!

Little Liar

So, kinda liked talking to you. Wait I did like talking to you and you had a girlfriend! So, I busted you out and you said you were sorry but, I don't even care!  You are just another guy who lies to get what they want but, I lied to you so I can't be that mad.  Sorry I could've been the best thing you ever had!

So, over you!

Well, I am now over that boy and have moved on to a few others! Stay tuned for more obessive and broken hearted stories!

blah! blah! blah!

So, here I am up at 2am and guess who I am thinking about.....that's right! I keep thinking that maybe he will call or text me but I am just telling myself lies! I decided that when he goes back to school I am gonna just call him outta the blue and see if he wants to meet up! Maybe he will be drunk and agree to it! haha! I am so silly! It makes me so mad that I can't get him out of my head!

Emails I sent to HIM!

Sent June 21st 2011 

First of all I want you to know that I think you are AMAZING and I have never felt the way I feel when I am talking to you. I love your voice and how comforting it is and when you can sense that something is wrong with me and we barely know each other. I love the way you make me feel about myself. I also love that you sing to me and seem genuinely happy to talk to me.  Now with that said I have to tell you something.  When I signed up on plenty of fish I was bored and thought it would be fun just to talk to some guys.  I never anticipated that you would be out there. I have very strong feelings for you and I don't know how to process them.  This is so hard to tell you because I care for you so much and I don't want to hurt you.  The profile I made was not the real me.  I found some random girls pictures and I used those. Everything else is real except the name.  I am saying this again I did this out of boredom and had no idea that I would feel the way I do about you.  Guys were messaging me asking questions so I had to come up wth a story.  I am not in school and I am not a math teacher.  I do not own a jeep. I do have a toyota 4runner. I have 2 sisters.  My dad is not a dr he works in construction and he is my real dad.  My mom does not plan weddings.  After I told you these things I felt like I couldn't tell you the truth. I am sorry for that.  You said that it didn't matter what I looked like you would stil like me. Well, I look nothing like that I girl ( I do think I am pretty).  All the things I said about the way I feel is 100% true. I regret letting it go this far.  I said that I made the profile because I was bored and that is partly true.  I have been married for 7 years and I am not sure if we are supposed to be married anymore.  Our marriage is falling apart ... we have been having problems for months now.  We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and we don't even say I love you.  I guess I just did it to give me something I was missing. I have never in my life ever done anything like this before and I dont know what to think. I am so confused.  My birthday is tomorrow and I will be 30.  I have a 2 year old son and that is another reason I am conflicted if it wasn't for Brody I would have ended the marriage a long time ago.  I am trying to be a good mother and do what is best for him but I also want to be happy and talking to you I have been the happiest I have been in years.  My name is Lynsey and I am the owner of Luxe Images. I am also an insurance agent but I am not working doing that right now.  I feel so bad that I lied to you about some things but our conversations were about me and my life for the most part.  I know that this was not what you expected but that is me making bad decisions and hurting people.  After you read this I have no idea what you are going to think of me but I still want you to want me.  I do believe that things happen for a reason and for some reason I messaged YOU. The 1st night we talked I began to love you.  I guess that is all I have to say and if you never speak to me again. I want you to thank you for showing me that I need to be happy! xoxox


Sent June 22nd 2011

I am sorry that I am writing you again after you said that you didn't want to talk to me anymore but, I just have a couple of things to say.  If I had known that you were such an amazing guy I would have never ever lied to you. I am sorry that I embarassed you. I am sorry that I lied.  It's just that you made me so happy and I don't know if it was because of what you thought I looked like but you said that didn't matter. I am not a liar.  I promise. I just got caught up in the story I made up. I know its not your problem but I can't stop crying thinking that I will never get to speak to you again, All I want is to be happy and this past week you have made me happier than I can ever remember.  I just don't know why it was you.  The most amazing wonderful guy that I talked to and became so over the moon for.  I will not ask you to do anything that you are not comfortable with but what if we are supposed to be together.  I know I can love you with my whole heart. I swear that I would never do this to you. I have never done anything like this before and I am not sure why I did. I guess i was tired of not being loved.  I don't want to be the girl that thinks about you for the rest of my life wondering what if.  I have never cheated on a boyfriend or my husband.  I honestly don't believe in it but something happened that night and I just can't get you out of my head!  I don't understand why it had to be you. It would've been ok if you were a jerk like most guys are but no you had to be Spencer the sweetest, amazing, wonderful guy!  It is my birthday and I am crying just wanting to talk to you.  I just want to hear your voice. I know I sound pathetic but, I have never ever felt the way I do about you.  I don't know I  am just sorry and wish that I was honest and never did what I did because I want you in my life. I promise I will never lie to you again ever ever ever. If you were telling me the truth about how you felt about me than I am that girl that you have been talking to. Just tell me this ..... Am I that easy to forget? Are you not gonna miss talking to me?  Can we meet thursday and just hang out and after you meet me you don't wnat to talk to me agan OK but I just feel like letting you out of my life will be the biggest mistake I will ever make. Please reply to this or call me!  I also attached some pictures so you could see what I looked like!   Sent June 22nd 2011   Ok, I need you to help me get some things straight in my head!  I totally understand what I did was very messed up.  I just want to know if I wasn't married and you knew what I looked would you have even talked to me?  I just need to know that either way! I promise I will leave you alone!  Even though I am totally upset and mad at myself I just need that questioned answered.  So, please can you just do that one thing for me?   Sent July 6th 2011    Ok, obviously you don't want to talk to me anymore and that is fine.   I just wish I knew what I did to make you all of sudden not want to talk to me because our last conversation you said I will talk to you tomorrow.  Well that has been 3 days now. This all I want to say ..............  I just want you to know that I am sorry for pulling you into my craziness.  I am dealing with some things in my lfie and using you to forget or pretend that those things don't exist was wrong.  After getting to know you I began to really care for you and I still and probably always will.   You made me happier than I have been in a long time and even though it was very brief you made me see things a little different.  Like I said it wasn't fair to you that I drug you into my false reality.  I think that you are truly wonderful and you have a great heart. I know that who ever is lucky enough to be your wife will be truly blessed.  I wish we could've parted on better terms so I could have said all this to you.  I know that you don't owe me anything and I am sorry for everything.  I think you are amazing and I want nothing but great things for you!

Why can't I get you out of my head?

I swear .... I can't stop thinking about him! I will just find myself thinking of him all through out the day! I don't understand because clearly he has no interest in me and I should not have any interest in him but, I just can't get him out of my head! I hear a song and think about him .... I just start drifing into a daydream and remember the nights we talked and how he made me feel and keep replaying our last conversatin together! I just looked through his pictures on FB ( I can still do that even though he blocked me) and I am trying so hard to remember his voice but I am forgetting the way it sounds and I start to think was it really him? Why is he so freaking specail? Why am I still obessing over him! Please just get out of my head ... thanks!

Wow .....

I am totally speechlesss!  You blocked me on FB!  Seriously?!  I guess I was forcing you to do something ... I either wanted you to talk to me or delete me as a friend but I never dreamed you would block me! You are a bitch!

Why am I afraid to lose you when you're not even mine...

Ok, so I haven't talked to him in 2 days!  It is so hard for me to not contact him but, I have decided that I am no longer gonna chase him!  I just wish I knew why he doesn't want to talk to me!  The last time we talked he never made me think that it would be the last time!  It is frustrating not knowing!  I hate being ignored!  I am trying to check his FB less and I think that I have done that but the later it gets I really do hope that he is gonna call!  I hope I get over this soon!  It is making me crazy!

So Yesterday!

Just a quick note:   Ok, so can you make in less obvious that when I log onto FB and you are already logged on you immediately log off.   Really,  I think it is stupid and but, I guess you are scared I am gonna message you or something .... Um, that was so yesterday!  I am done chasing you!  You don't want to talk to me and that is clear so, I will not be the girl who begs and pleads for you to talk to me .... it's just so stupid! I am not doing it!