You are like a drug!!!!!

O boy, I don't get you at all! I don't understand why you are talking to me! All though i am not complaining! Our talks are somewhat different and very less frequent but I do love them! I love to hear your voice even if you are in a bad mood! I love you cockiness when you are feeling good! I love that you messaged me today 1st! :) What is it? What is it about you that I can't get out of my head! Why do I long to have some sort of contact with you ? I don't even care what it is a text message which you also did that today out of the blue! An IM or a phone call those are simple things that make me happy these days and they are all about you! I know! I know! I know! That I should not be talking to you but I can't help it I love it! You are like a drug I can't get enough and you always leave me wanting more! O boy, Why do you do this to me?

Don't love someone when you know they back can't love you.

Is there a better place, To be right now, Than to be home, Listening to the crickets’ sounds, Outside the windows. Is there a better place, To be right now, Than in the bed, Closing my eyes, Falling into a deep sleep, To forget about the days, Forget about the nights, Forget about you. Heartbroken, Nothing better than to sleep, To forget that you are gone,  I want to forget, I want to leave this world, Close my eyes, Fall to sleep to stop the heart, From beating. I block my ears, From hearing the sounds, Like your voice, Like when you sing to me, Those lovely songs, They sounded to tender, Now they kill me, They hurt me, I don’t want to hear anything, Don’t want to hear the birds, Chirping outside the windows. Don’t want to see my face, Don’t want to see you, Don’t want anything, That has to do with you, I want to close, I want to block away, The world to stop the pain, In my heart. I want my heart to stop beating,

You make me CrAzY!

What the hell am I doing?
Why am I letting you do this to me?
So, I guess we talk on the phone again but last night you said you would call me back and you didn't.  I texted you today and got nothing! So, I want to text you RIGHT NOW but, I don't want to seem desperate.
You are driving me cRaZy and I think you like it!


So, last night on the phone he tells me that he has dated a 41 year old woman.  Which made me feel weird and so, I asked if they had sex and he says alot of it! *totally rolling my eyes*  So,  I am kind of weirded out by this and then he tells me how hot she was and this and that!  So, I am not really saying anything at this point because well I have nothing to say!  He says " So why are you mad?"  Which I reply "I am not mad!"  So, he says " I can tell by your silence that it bothers you"  which pisses me off how the hell can he tell how I am feeling when we have only talked on the phone for like 10 days! How does he do that?  That makes me nuts!  My husband can't even do that when we are sitting in the same room and we have been together almost 10 years! 

10 days? - 10 years?   Something is wrong with this picture!

So we are playing games now?!!!!

You wanted to make sure I got home safe ..... So, you did...... I just took it as you being a nice guy..... but you call me an hr later and tell me you like talking to me.......then you tell me to come see you ................. I explained I was sorry and tried my best to tell you the reasons why I did what I did ....... you said you understood but its pretty fucked up ..... I agree..... I told you I cried all day on my birthday becauase I felt so bad ... and you said you were sorry........ We talked for 2 hours .... and then you said had go ..... I ask you so, what does this mean ..... and you said I don't know text me tomorrow ..... so I did...... and I get nothing from you..... WTF!!!!!

It's Hard.......

In the morning when I wake up and realize I didn't talk to you last night!
For some reason when my phone rings for a split second I think it might be you!
I check my email several times a day hoping that you replied to me!
When I listen to the songs you told me about!
When I am up at 4am and I am just here with my thoughts.
I wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking about me.

I am sorry I was born!

How are you supposed to feel when you realize that you ruined someones life?

I was talking to my mom today just about life and she shared stories that I had already heard and things I already knew but today when she was talking about how her life changed when she was pregnant with me and how my dad wanted her to have an abortion.  I already knew this but, hearing the words today hurt.  I mean he didn't want me ... but here I am!  She even told me dad didn't even come pick us up at the hospital.  I mean I know I shouldn't take it personal but it hurt my heart today. I can't even imagine how mom must have felt.  I just think "WOW" I could've never been born if my dad had his way. My mom tells me that when I was little my dad loved on me but I don't remember him showing me love.  I wonder if he looks at me thinks that is what ruined my life.

I am damaged at best! I'm falling apart! I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating