Monday, July 11, 2011
blah! blah! blah!
So, here I am up at 2am and guess who I am thinking about.....that's right! I keep thinking that maybe he will call or text me but I am just telling myself lies! I decided that when he goes back to school I am gonna just call him outta the blue and see if he wants to meet up! Maybe he will be drunk and agree to it! haha! I am so silly! It makes me so mad that I can't get him out of my head!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Emails I sent to HIM!
Sent June 21st 2011
First of all I want you to know that I think you are AMAZING and I have never felt the way I feel when I am talking to you. I love your voice and how comforting it is and when you can sense that something is wrong with me and we barely know each other. I love the way you make me feel about myself. I also love that you sing to me and seem genuinely happy to talk to me. Now with that said I have to tell you something. When I signed up on plenty of fish I was bored and thought it would be fun just to talk to some guys. I never anticipated that you would be out there. I have very strong feelings for you and I don't know how to process them. This is so hard to tell you because I care for you so much and I don't want to hurt you. The profile I made was not the real me. I found some random girls pictures and I used those. Everything else is real except the name. I am saying this again I did this out of boredom and had no idea that I would feel the way I do about you. Guys were messaging me asking questions so I had to come up wth a story. I am not in school and I am not a math teacher. I do not own a jeep. I do have a toyota 4runner. I have 2 sisters. My dad is not a dr he works in construction and he is my real dad. My mom does not plan weddings. After I told you these things I felt like I couldn't tell you the truth. I am sorry for that. You said that it didn't matter what I looked like you would stil like me. Well, I look nothing like that I girl ( I do think I am pretty). All the things I said about the way I feel is 100% true. I regret letting it go this far. I said that I made the profile because I was bored and that is partly true. I have been married for 7 years and I am not sure if we are supposed to be married anymore. Our marriage is falling apart ... we have been having problems for months now. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and we don't even say I love you. I guess I just did it to give me something I was missing. I have never in my life ever done anything like this before and I dont know what to think. I am so confused. My birthday is tomorrow and I will be 30. I have a 2 year old son and that is another reason I am conflicted if it wasn't for Brody I would have ended the marriage a long time ago. I am trying to be a good mother and do what is best for him but I also want to be happy and talking to you I have been the happiest I have been in years. My name is Lynsey and I am the owner of Luxe Images. I am also an insurance agent but I am not working doing that right now. I feel so bad that I lied to you about some things but our conversations were about me and my life for the most part. I know that this was not what you expected but that is me making bad decisions and hurting people. After you read this I have no idea what you are going to think of me but I still want you to want me. I do believe that things happen for a reason and for some reason I messaged YOU. The 1st night we talked I began to love you. I guess that is all I have to say and if you never speak to me again. I want you to thank you for showing me that I need to be happy! xoxox
Sent June 22nd 2011
First of all I want you to know that I think you are AMAZING and I have never felt the way I feel when I am talking to you. I love your voice and how comforting it is and when you can sense that something is wrong with me and we barely know each other. I love the way you make me feel about myself. I also love that you sing to me and seem genuinely happy to talk to me. Now with that said I have to tell you something. When I signed up on plenty of fish I was bored and thought it would be fun just to talk to some guys. I never anticipated that you would be out there. I have very strong feelings for you and I don't know how to process them. This is so hard to tell you because I care for you so much and I don't want to hurt you. The profile I made was not the real me. I found some random girls pictures and I used those. Everything else is real except the name. I am saying this again I did this out of boredom and had no idea that I would feel the way I do about you. Guys were messaging me asking questions so I had to come up wth a story. I am not in school and I am not a math teacher. I do not own a jeep. I do have a toyota 4runner. I have 2 sisters. My dad is not a dr he works in construction and he is my real dad. My mom does not plan weddings. After I told you these things I felt like I couldn't tell you the truth. I am sorry for that. You said that it didn't matter what I looked like you would stil like me. Well, I look nothing like that I girl ( I do think I am pretty). All the things I said about the way I feel is 100% true. I regret letting it go this far. I said that I made the profile because I was bored and that is partly true. I have been married for 7 years and I am not sure if we are supposed to be married anymore. Our marriage is falling apart ... we have been having problems for months now. We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and we don't even say I love you. I guess I just did it to give me something I was missing. I have never in my life ever done anything like this before and I dont know what to think. I am so confused. My birthday is tomorrow and I will be 30. I have a 2 year old son and that is another reason I am conflicted if it wasn't for Brody I would have ended the marriage a long time ago. I am trying to be a good mother and do what is best for him but I also want to be happy and talking to you I have been the happiest I have been in years. My name is Lynsey and I am the owner of Luxe Images. I am also an insurance agent but I am not working doing that right now. I feel so bad that I lied to you about some things but our conversations were about me and my life for the most part. I know that this was not what you expected but that is me making bad decisions and hurting people. After you read this I have no idea what you are going to think of me but I still want you to want me. I do believe that things happen for a reason and for some reason I messaged YOU. The 1st night we talked I began to love you. I guess that is all I have to say and if you never speak to me again. I want you to thank you for showing me that I need to be happy! xoxox
Sent June 22nd 2011
I am sorry that I am writing you again after you said that you didn't want to talk to me anymore but, I just have a couple of things to say. If I had known that you were such an amazing guy I would have never ever lied to you. I am sorry that I embarassed you. I am sorry that I lied. It's just that you made me so happy and I don't know if it was because of what you thought I looked like but you said that didn't matter. I am not a liar. I promise. I just got caught up in the story I made up. I know its not your problem but I can't stop crying thinking that I will never get to speak to you again, All I want is to be happy and this past week you have made me happier than I can ever remember. I just don't know why it was you. The most amazing wonderful guy that I talked to and became so over the moon for. I will not ask you to do anything that you are not comfortable with but what if we are supposed to be together. I know I can love you with my whole heart. I swear that I would never do this to you. I have never done anything like this before and I am not sure why I did. I guess i was tired of not being loved. I don't want to be the girl that thinks about you for the rest of my life wondering what if. I have never cheated on a boyfriend or my husband. I honestly don't believe in it but something happened that night and I just can't get you out of my head! I don't understand why it had to be you. It would've been ok if you were a jerk like most guys are but no you had to be Spencer the sweetest, amazing, wonderful guy! It is my birthday and I am crying just wanting to talk to you. I just want to hear your voice. I know I sound pathetic but, I have never ever felt the way I do about you. I don't know I am just sorry and wish that I was honest and never did what I did because I want you in my life. I promise I will never lie to you again ever ever ever. If you were telling me the truth about how you felt about me than I am that girl that you have been talking to. Just tell me this ..... Am I that easy to forget? Are you not gonna miss talking to me? Can we meet thursday and just hang out and after you meet me you don't wnat to talk to me agan OK but I just feel like letting you out of my life will be the biggest mistake I will ever make. Please reply to this or call me! I also attached some pictures so you could see what I looked like! Sent June 22nd 2011 Ok, I need you to help me get some things straight in my head! I totally understand what I did was very messed up. I just want to know if I wasn't married and you knew what I looked would you have even talked to me? I just need to know that either way! I promise I will leave you alone! Even though I am totally upset and mad at myself I just need that questioned answered. So, please can you just do that one thing for me? Sent July 6th 2011 Ok, obviously you don't want to talk to me anymore and that is fine. I just wish I knew what I did to make you all of sudden not want to talk to me because our last conversation you said I will talk to you tomorrow. Well that has been 3 days now. This all I want to say .............. I just want you to know that I am sorry for pulling you into my craziness. I am dealing with some things in my lfie and using you to forget or pretend that those things don't exist was wrong. After getting to know you I began to really care for you and I still and probably always will. You made me happier than I have been in a long time and even though it was very brief you made me see things a little different. Like I said it wasn't fair to you that I drug you into my false reality. I think that you are truly wonderful and you have a great heart. I know that who ever is lucky enough to be your wife will be truly blessed. I wish we could've parted on better terms so I could have said all this to you. I know that you don't owe me anything and I am sorry for everything. I think you are amazing and I want nothing but great things for you! |
Why can't I get you out of my head?
I swear .... I can't stop thinking about him! I will just find myself thinking of him all through out the day! I don't understand because clearly he has no interest in me and I should not have any interest in him but, I just can't get him out of my head! I hear a song and think about him .... I just start drifing into a daydream and remember the nights we talked and how he made me feel and keep replaying our last conversatin together! I just looked through his pictures on FB ( I can still do that even though he blocked me) and I am trying so hard to remember his voice but I am forgetting the way it sounds and I start to think was it really him? Why is he so freaking specail? Why am I still obessing over him! Please just get out of my head ... thanks!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Wow .....
I am totally speechlesss! You blocked me on FB! Seriously?! I guess I was forcing you to do something ... I either wanted you to talk to me or delete me as a friend but I never dreamed you would block me! You are a bitch!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Why am I afraid to lose you when you're not even mine...
Ok, so I haven't talked to him in 2 days! It is so hard for me to not contact him but, I have decided that I am no longer gonna chase him! I just wish I knew why he doesn't want to talk to me! The last time we talked he never made me think that it would be the last time! It is frustrating not knowing! I hate being ignored! I am trying to check his FB less and I think that I have done that but the later it gets I really do hope that he is gonna call! I hope I get over this soon! It is making me crazy!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
So Yesterday!
Just a quick note: Ok, so can you make in less obvious that when I log onto FB and you are already logged on you immediately log off. Really, I think it is stupid and but, I guess you are scared I am gonna message you or something .... Um, that was so yesterday! I am done chasing you! You don't want to talk to me and that is clear so, I will not be the girl who begs and pleads for you to talk to me .... it's just so stupid! I am not doing it!
Really?
I can't believe this is happening right now. I am sitting here crying and I feel an ache in my chest. Seriously, I can not believe this is happening. I am such a dumb girl to half way think that he had any feelings or cared about me in any way. Why would I and why am I doing this to myself? I manage to convince myself during the day that I am not going to try and contact him but without fail I do ... try at least!
All day today everytime I thought about him I told myself that I wasn't going to call, text or message him! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! So, I sent him a text @ 12:22 and I know he received because it said delivered @ 12:23. I don't get a response which is normal. So, I wait and tell myself if he doesn't call everything will be ok. but he doesn't call so, I see that he is on FB so, I message him and waited and 5 minutes later he is logged off. So, now I am lying in bed crying and writing while I feel rejected! I did this to myself! I should've gone the rest of my life not knowing he existed but it's too late for that now. I just don't understand. I don't get it. I don't get how or why he is doing this to me. Is he punishing me for what I did to him? That is just mean. I told the truth and I accepted the fact that I wasn't going to talk to him again but NO. He had to call me back. Why did he say for some reason I like talking to you? Why has he continued to talk to me? Why did he act like he may still like me? Why did I lie to myself? Why have I been staying up half the night just in case he calls? I should know better than to let him do this to me. Why can't he just talk to me and be honest so, I can get over him? I mean I get it ..... he doesn't want to talk but why can't he just tell me instead of ignoring me? I keep replaying our conversations in my head and he never led me to think that he didn't want to talk to me until tonight and he made it perfectly clear! I get it! I am just a stupid girl that is hung up on this boy she barely knows.
So, I lay here crying because I will never hear his voice again and that makes me so sad! Why am I such a stupid girl?
All day today everytime I thought about him I told myself that I wasn't going to call, text or message him! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! So, I sent him a text @ 12:22 and I know he received because it said delivered @ 12:23. I don't get a response which is normal. So, I wait and tell myself if he doesn't call everything will be ok. but he doesn't call so, I see that he is on FB so, I message him and waited and 5 minutes later he is logged off. So, now I am lying in bed crying and writing while I feel rejected! I did this to myself! I should've gone the rest of my life not knowing he existed but it's too late for that now. I just don't understand. I don't get it. I don't get how or why he is doing this to me. Is he punishing me for what I did to him? That is just mean. I told the truth and I accepted the fact that I wasn't going to talk to him again but NO. He had to call me back. Why did he say for some reason I like talking to you? Why has he continued to talk to me? Why did he act like he may still like me? Why did I lie to myself? Why have I been staying up half the night just in case he calls? I should know better than to let him do this to me. Why can't he just talk to me and be honest so, I can get over him? I mean I get it ..... he doesn't want to talk but why can't he just tell me instead of ignoring me? I keep replaying our conversations in my head and he never led me to think that he didn't want to talk to me until tonight and he made it perfectly clear! I get it! I am just a stupid girl that is hung up on this boy she barely knows.
So, I lay here crying because I will never hear his voice again and that makes me so sad! Why am I such a stupid girl?
What you do to me!
You are what makes me happy!
You make me want to be a better person!
You give me back my confidence that I lost!
You make me smile when I think of you!
You drive me crazy by just being you!
You make me want to be a better person!
You give me back my confidence that I lost!
You make me smile when I think of you!
You drive me crazy by just being you!
If we lived in the same town ......
* I would hope that you would invest more time with me because its not fair that I feel the way I do and you just get to do you.
* I would drive to your house and ask you all the things I want to know.
* I would become that crazy stalker girl that wouldn't leave you alone.
* I would probably still go to bed heart broken every night!
* I would drive to your house and ask you all the things I want to know.
* I would become that crazy stalker girl that wouldn't leave you alone.
* I would probably still go to bed heart broken every night!
you + me = 0
We must have been soulmates in another life! That's the only thing that makes sense. That explains my intense feelings for you. That explains me longing to be with you. It explains why I have a broken heart because in this life I can't be with you and because I am not with you I am not whole. I am truly not me.
As I am writing all this stuff I realize how creepy it sounds and pathetic I look. I see that! I understand but it doesn't make this any less harder and it doesn't make my heart hurt any less!
As I am writing all this stuff I realize how creepy it sounds and pathetic I look. I see that! I understand but it doesn't make this any less harder and it doesn't make my heart hurt any less!
Saturday, July 2, 2011
I am so over it!
So, here I am just sitting here and thinking about Josh and how I am not going to call him or text him or message him! I am also sitting hoping that he calls me or texts me or messages me! I know I am just a silly girl!
"You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess."
I just found this quote today and it reminded me a lot of how I feel neglected in my marriage! He doesn't tell me I am pretty anymore unless he is having or trying to have sex with me ... o wait that has stopped too. We barely talk and when we do we usually wind up being hateful to one another. I don't know what it is. He just seems like he would rather be anywhere else than with me and I feel that way a lot times too! I am just trying to figure out what happened and where did we lose the love! Will we be able to get it back? Do we even want to? Ok, I know that I am not the easiest person to be with these days but, I still need things and you know the things that I am wanting so badly right now he never ever gave me! I want someone to talk to me. We can't even talk without it turning it into something big! For instance we have been looking at houses to buy and we went to this house and we were able to peak insude and so Landon asks me what I thought about it. So, I tell him I don't like the kitchen cabinets or the railing and I am not sure because it is so far out! He gets pissed off at me and says that I need to shut the F up about the F'n cabinets! I had already told him I didn't like the cabinets when we looked at it online but, how was I supposed to know that when he asked what I thought I wasn't supposed to mention things I had already said! How dumb he gets pissed off at me because I said I didn't like the cabinets twice. That is just ridiculous. These are the type of things that happen on a daily basis and so, now I am so over it! I just want to be happy with someone that loves me the way I need to be loved!
"You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess."
I just found this quote today and it reminded me a lot of how I feel neglected in my marriage! He doesn't tell me I am pretty anymore unless he is having or trying to have sex with me ... o wait that has stopped too. We barely talk and when we do we usually wind up being hateful to one another. I don't know what it is. He just seems like he would rather be anywhere else than with me and I feel that way a lot times too! I am just trying to figure out what happened and where did we lose the love! Will we be able to get it back? Do we even want to? Ok, I know that I am not the easiest person to be with these days but, I still need things and you know the things that I am wanting so badly right now he never ever gave me! I want someone to talk to me. We can't even talk without it turning it into something big! For instance we have been looking at houses to buy and we went to this house and we were able to peak insude and so Landon asks me what I thought about it. So, I tell him I don't like the kitchen cabinets or the railing and I am not sure because it is so far out! He gets pissed off at me and says that I need to shut the F up about the F'n cabinets! I had already told him I didn't like the cabinets when we looked at it online but, how was I supposed to know that when he asked what I thought I wasn't supposed to mention things I had already said! How dumb he gets pissed off at me because I said I didn't like the cabinets twice. That is just ridiculous. These are the type of things that happen on a daily basis and so, now I am so over it! I just want to be happy with someone that loves me the way I need to be loved!
Friday, July 1, 2011
There you go again pulling me back in!
So, I had just decided I was done with you and I was going to quit thinking about you and I wasn't going to message you or text you or especially call you! So, guess what you do ...... you call me and apologize for not calling me all day! WTF is that crap! Now how am I supposed to be mad at you? You do your little cocky thing and then you let me go. It was less than a 5 minute conversation but there is just something about you something that makes me want you and no matter how hard I try to resist......... you just go pulling me right back in!
It's not always rainbows and butterflies!
I allow my heart to get broken on a daily basis! I’m done! Why am I trying so hard to keep him in my life when he could care less! Why? I am just a stupid girl that believes in fairytales but I forget that is all make believe and I am not a princess and he is no prince! As I sit here and wait for 2 hrs and get nothing from you my heart hurts and it doesn’t even make sense it doesn’t make sense at all! You are probably laughing at me because you think I am so pathetic! I am! I am! I sit here waiting, wishing, hoping and end up being disappointed. I am just a stupid stupid girl!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)