You are like a drug!!!!!

O boy, I don't get you at all! I don't understand why you are talking to me! All though i am not complaining! Our talks are somewhat different and very less frequent but I do love them! I love to hear your voice even if you are in a bad mood! I love you cockiness when you are feeling good! I love that you messaged me today 1st! :) What is it? What is it about you that I can't get out of my head! Why do I long to have some sort of contact with you ? I don't even care what it is a text message which you also did that today out of the blue! An IM or a phone call those are simple things that make me happy these days and they are all about you! I know! I know! I know! That I should not be talking to you but I can't help it I love it! You are like a drug I can't get enough and you always leave me wanting more! O boy, Why do you do this to me?

Don't love someone when you know they back can't love you.

Is there a better place, To be right now, Than to be home, Listening to the crickets’ sounds, Outside the windows. Is there a better place, To be right now, Than in the bed, Closing my eyes, Falling into a deep sleep, To forget about the days, Forget about the nights, Forget about you. Heartbroken, Nothing better than to sleep, To forget that you are gone,  I want to forget, I want to leave this world, Close my eyes, Fall to sleep to stop the heart, From beating. I block my ears, From hearing the sounds, Like your voice, Like when you sing to me, Those lovely songs, They sounded to tender, Now they kill me, They hurt me, I don’t want to hear anything, Don’t want to hear the birds, Chirping outside the windows. Don’t want to see my face, Don’t want to see you, Don’t want anything, That has to do with you, I want to close, I want to block away, The world to stop the pain, In my heart. I want my heart to stop beating,

You make me CrAzY!

What the hell am I doing?
Why am I letting you do this to me?
So, I guess we talk on the phone again but last night you said you would call me back and you didn't.  I texted you today and got nothing! So, I want to text you RIGHT NOW but, I don't want to seem desperate.
You are driving me cRaZy and I think you like it!


So, last night on the phone he tells me that he has dated a 41 year old woman.  Which made me feel weird and so, I asked if they had sex and he says alot of it! *totally rolling my eyes*  So,  I am kind of weirded out by this and then he tells me how hot she was and this and that!  So, I am not really saying anything at this point because well I have nothing to say!  He says " So why are you mad?"  Which I reply "I am not mad!"  So, he says " I can tell by your silence that it bothers you"  which pisses me off how the hell can he tell how I am feeling when we have only talked on the phone for like 10 days! How does he do that?  That makes me nuts!  My husband can't even do that when we are sitting in the same room and we have been together almost 10 years! 

10 days? - 10 years?   Something is wrong with this picture!

So we are playing games now?!!!!

You wanted to make sure I got home safe ..... So, you did...... I just took it as you being a nice guy..... but you call me an hr later and tell me you like talking to me.......then you tell me to come see you ................. I explained I was sorry and tried my best to tell you the reasons why I did what I did ....... you said you understood but its pretty fucked up ..... I agree..... I told you I cried all day on my birthday becauase I felt so bad ... and you said you were sorry........ We talked for 2 hours .... and then you said had go ..... I ask you so, what does this mean ..... and you said I don't know text me tomorrow ..... so I did...... and I get nothing from you..... WTF!!!!!

It's Hard.......

In the morning when I wake up and realize I didn't talk to you last night!
For some reason when my phone rings for a split second I think it might be you!
I check my email several times a day hoping that you replied to me!
When I listen to the songs you told me about!
When I am up at 4am and I am just here with my thoughts.
I wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking about me.

I am sorry I was born!

How are you supposed to feel when you realize that you ruined someones life?

I was talking to my mom today just about life and she shared stories that I had already heard and things I already knew but today when she was talking about how her life changed when she was pregnant with me and how my dad wanted her to have an abortion.  I already knew this but, hearing the words today hurt.  I mean he didn't want me ... but here I am!  She even told me dad didn't even come pick us up at the hospital.  I mean I know I shouldn't take it personal but it hurt my heart today. I can't even imagine how mom must have felt.  I just think "WOW" I could've never been born if my dad had his way. My mom tells me that when I was little my dad loved on me but I don't remember him showing me love.  I wonder if he looks at me thinks that is what ruined my life.

I am damaged at best! I'm falling apart! I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating

What if I was born 10 years later?

I have a broken heart! I was so stupid to think things could change.  As I sit and cry on the night before my birthday I am so confused and don't know what to do but, do I even have a choice?

So,  today (my bday) I have been going over the things that  happened this past week.  I believe that things happen for a reason.  I was given a glimpse of how happy I could actually be.  That is what is making me sad!  I don't know how it happened. I never dreamed anything like this but when I looked at the moon something in my heart changed.  I began to question my life and really take a look at what is going on.  What am I doing?  Why do I feel the need to escape from my own reality?  I was shown sometimes things need to change and it isn't ok to be complacent.  I feel like I let something great out of my life. What am I supposed to learn from all this?  I just don't understand if it never happened I wouldn't be suffering right now.  I feel like my heart is broken and it sucks when you break your own heart.

I will never forget 4 am!

I was swept off my feet and my heart skipped a beat!

So,  I met this super cute guy.  It was almost love at 1st sight (remember I fall hard and fast)! It was one of those nights you never wanted it to end because you felt perfect in that moment.  We looked at the moon and the stars and you had my heart! I felt so wonderful everytime we talked.  I was just taking it all in and loving it. I knew I had to tell you the truth because I did care for you so much but the truth sucked and messed everything up! I only knew you for one week but I cried like I lost the greatest love of all!

Landon

I knew that I would marry Landon that morning but I kept it a secret and began to focus on developing our friendship and we became very close.  I would notice myself making up excuses to just to be around him.  Finally,  I told him that we needed to talk and I just shared my feelings that I liked him and I would like it if we could start dating again.
This time was different Landon had matured and we were both ready for a real relationship.  We gave eachother our hearts.  I noticed that when I gave him my heart it was banged up a little but he got all of it.  We were married about 2 years later all of my family loved him. They would go on and on about how lucky I was to have him. I began to doubt myself in the relationship and began to think back and ask was God really telling me marry Landon or was that me because everyone seems to think he deserves better.  My heart was being pricked at by all of these people slowly taking it away from Landon. I continued to doubt that I was supposed to be his wife.  We fought a lot.  He tried to reassure me that he loved me and I was the one for him but I could see the truth in what people were saying.  We started our marraige out with my damaged heart, a lot of debt and not enough money to pay the bills.  My heart started to build anger and frustration inside. I was going crazy I couldn't do it  .  Durinng this time he started acting funny about what he was doing and being weird about his phone so one night after he fell asleep I noticed calls and text messages from this number who turned out to be Summer some girl I did not know.  My heartbroke right then because I was sacrificing myself for him and being a good wife while he was talking to another girl.  I had to wait until I had proof before I confronted him and my heart broke more everyday.  Even though I had proof he says nothing happened and won't tell me to this day.  I moved on but never forgot!  We decided it was time to start a family.  We both had great jobs so, it just seemed like the right time.  I became pregnant and Landon and I grew closer to eachother.  He treated me great and everything was going to be wonderful from then on.  Well, 2 months after Ryan was born Landon lost his job. I took on a 2nd job and did that for 6 months.  He finally found a job but my heart was getting harder. I resented him for the fact I had to work two jobs while he did nothing.  Not to mention I had post-parturm depression,  I had a newborn so sleep wasn't happening and I was full of resentfullness.  That did not make for a happy marriage.  I began going downhill not being able to handle things and eventually was no longer to work becasue of my depression.  Now we live with my parents and he hates me because we live here and I hate him because he talks down to me and his very critical of everything I do. I don't receive compliments and never get genuine affection.  We don't say I love you and we don't sleep in the same bed.  After 9 years of marriage I am not so sure we can make it. He tramples on my already broken heart!

The start of a broken heart

What a way to start of my 30's ........... brokenhearted!  As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be loved so, I would give my whole heart right off the bat. Once you give your whole heart it is never the same. As I sit and ponder over all the guys that were in my life.  All of whom I think about from time to time.  I wonder is it because I gave each of them my heart and it was never given back to me in the same shape I gave it.  I have always fallen hard and loved deeply and never wanted to let go.  Time dulled the pain of each failed relationship and I moved on.  I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.  So, I know each relationship was there for me to learn, grow and become stronger. 


Aiden .....  He was my 1st love and 1st kiss.  I was 12 and he was 15 when we met.  I don't even remember a time before him that I was even really interested in boys but Aiden was a charmer and cute too.  He  made me feel like I was the only girl in the world when we were together but I was naive.  I took in all the compliments and all the I love yous and everything that made me feel great.  Even though I was never actually his girlfriend I would do anything just to get the attention when he decided to give it.  I grew up and began to see how he "loved me".  I was pretty much his back up plan but he had my heart and he knew it and used it to his advantage.  Two years of loving and crying left me with a broken heart.


Brian ..... He was my 2nd love and my 1st sexual partner.  I was 14 and he waas 16.  He played football and he let me wear his letterman's jacket.  It didn't take me long to get attached and to give him my heart. He was one of those guys that told you how pretty you were and how happy they made you.  Towards the end of the relationship I became his back up plan and then it was over and he had my heart in his hand he shattered it and then handed me the broken pieces.  I cried and cried and cried because he chose to be with someone other than me. 
That began the question that has never left my head.... " What is wrong with me?"


Cameron ....  I didn't really think about him at 1st because he didn't really seem interested in me but a mutual friend thought we should be together so we gave it a shot.  I was 15 and he was 16 and he had his own truck!  This relationship moved at such a fast pace.  I was loving him on the 2nd day!  We began to spend all of our free time together.  I was in love!  This relationship became very toxic.  He played games with my heart/head and he knew no matter what he did I would always be there.  He started college and I was a senior in High School that changed our relationship dramatically.  I didn't really have any friends because I was always with him but he began to do things with his friends while I stayed home and cried hoping he would call.  That was such agony.  Well as we saw eachother less and less we decided that it would be ok to date other people.  Well, it didn't take him long and when I would call him he would have to call me back because he was with another girl.  I let him keep my heart while he dated other girls. I began to date another guy and he didn't like that very much.  If I wasn't at his beckon call he would be so hateful to me.  He still had my heart no matter how he mistreated me or how many girls he saw.  I would always hope that he would want to be with me forever. I think I really knew that it was over but I just couldn't bring myself to believe it.  We continued the horrible relationship through the summer and we went on vacation together but we both knew it was over.  On our drive home from FL we talked about it all and I think somewhere in LA it was over. He handed me my heart back with cracks, holes and bruises.  I tried to control my emotions. I remember the long drive home knowing this was the last time we would be together and I had such a heaviness in my chest and I was fighting back tears.  He droppd me off at home and handed me my bags and I stood in the drive way watching the man I thought I would marry drive away! I fell to my knees holding my heart knowing that it would take a long time to heal!


The came the boys that were just there to soothe my heart while it tried to repair itself. 
Casey ,,,,, He was the 1st of those boys.  I looked at him god like. I felt so beneath him but I was determined to get what I wanted.  Casey never held my heart even though we dated for a month or so.  He made me feel so lucky to be with him. He was also a charmer. I had hoped something more would come out of it but another girl came a long and I was tossed a side. 
Next the story goes a boy here a boy there. I didn't care as long as I had a boy. I had put my damaged heart in a lock box and no one was gonna touch it.  That was true for several years.  I wasn't going to get hurt because my heart was very fragile.  Then came Landon! He was such a nice guy and he was a lot more into me than I was into him.  We dated for a couple of months but I had to end it because my heart was still locked away and he wasn't going to have it. 
Now I was in college and doing great in the boy department.  I had crushes on several guys.  I would date here and there but nothing serious. Landon was still in my life because we had mutual friends  but he hated me. I guess because I took some of his heart.  After a while we were able to have a decent friendship in fact I had a lot of great friendships. I still dated a little but I had decided the next boy who gets my heart will be my husband.  My heart was damaged and I had to save what was left for him so, I stopped dating and started praying.  I prayed that God would send me the perfect husband  someone that truly loved me and I loved him back.  I said the same prayer night after night month after month for a couple of years. 
One morning I woke up with peace of mind and the answer to my prayer ...............