What a way to start of my 30's ........... brokenhearted! As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be loved so, I would give my whole heart right off the bat. Once you give your whole heart it is never the same. As I sit and ponder over all the guys that were in my life. All of whom I think about from time to time. I wonder is it because I gave each of them my heart and it was never given back to me in the same shape I gave it. I have always fallen hard and loved deeply and never wanted to let go. Time dulled the pain of each failed relationship and I moved on. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason. So, I know each relationship was there for me to learn, grow and become stronger.
Aiden ..... He was my 1st love and 1st kiss. I was 12 and he was 15 when we met. I don't even remember a time before him that I was even really interested in boys but Aiden was a charmer and cute too. He made me feel like I was the only girl in the world when we were together but I was naive. I took in all the compliments and all the I love yous and everything that made me feel great. Even though I was never actually his girlfriend I would do anything just to get the attention when he decided to give it. I grew up and began to see how he "loved me". I was pretty much his back up plan but he had my heart and he knew it and used it to his advantage. Two years of loving and crying left me with a broken heart.
Brian ..... He was my 2nd love and my 1st sexual partner. I was 14 and he waas 16. He played football and he let me wear his letterman's jacket. It didn't take me long to get attached and to give him my heart. He was one of those guys that told you how pretty you were and how happy they made you. Towards the end of the relationship I became his back up plan and then it was over and he had my heart in his hand he shattered it and then handed me the broken pieces. I cried and cried and cried because he chose to be with someone other than me.
That began the question that has never left my head.... " What is wrong with me?"
Cameron .... I didn't really think about him at 1st because he didn't really seem interested in me but a mutual friend thought we should be together so we gave it a shot. I was 15 and he was 16 and he had his own truck! This relationship moved at such a fast pace. I was loving him on the 2nd day! We began to spend all of our free time together. I was in love! This relationship became very toxic. He played games with my heart/head and he knew no matter what he did I would always be there. He started college and I was a senior in High School that changed our relationship dramatically. I didn't really have any friends because I was always with him but he began to do things with his friends while I stayed home and cried hoping he would call. That was such agony. Well as we saw eachother less and less we decided that it would be ok to date other people. Well, it didn't take him long and when I would call him he would have to call me back because he was with another girl. I let him keep my heart while he dated other girls. I began to date another guy and he didn't like that very much. If I wasn't at his beckon call he would be so hateful to me. He still had my heart no matter how he mistreated me or how many girls he saw. I would always hope that he would want to be with me forever. I think I really knew that it was over but I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. We continued the horrible relationship through the summer and we went on vacation together but we both knew it was over. On our drive home from FL we talked about it all and I think somewhere in LA it was over. He handed me my heart back with cracks, holes and bruises. I tried to control my emotions. I remember the long drive home knowing this was the last time we would be together and I had such a heaviness in my chest and I was fighting back tears. He droppd me off at home and handed me my bags and I stood in the drive way watching the man I thought I would marry drive away! I fell to my knees holding my heart knowing that it would take a long time to heal!
The came the boys that were just there to soothe my heart while it tried to repair itself.
Casey ,,,,, He was the 1st of those boys. I looked at him god like. I felt so beneath him but I was determined to get what I wanted. Casey never held my heart even though we dated for a month or so. He made me feel so lucky to be with him. He was also a charmer. I had hoped something more would come out of it but another girl came a long and I was tossed a side.
Next the story goes a boy here a boy there. I didn't care as long as I had a boy. I had put my damaged heart in a lock box and no one was gonna touch it. That was true for several years. I wasn't going to get hurt because my heart was very fragile. Then came Landon! He was such a nice guy and he was a lot more into me than I was into him. We dated for a couple of months but I had to end it because my heart was still locked away and he wasn't going to have it.
Now I was in college and doing great in the boy department. I had crushes on several guys. I would date here and there but nothing serious. Landon was still in my life because we had mutual friends but he hated me. I guess because I took some of his heart. After a while we were able to have a decent friendship in fact I had a lot of great friendships. I still dated a little but I had decided the next boy who gets my heart will be my husband. My heart was damaged and I had to save what was left for him so, I stopped dating and started praying. I prayed that God would send me the perfect husband someone that truly loved me and I loved him back. I said the same prayer night after night month after month for a couple of years.
One morning I woke up with peace of mind and the answer to my prayer ...............
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