Communication. What is that?

Do you ever feel like you made the wrong decision? Well, I do I feel like I married the wrong person. I don't love him anymore and really don't want to be around him at all! I have always thought that he was just focused on sex and he didn't really give me the emoitional connection that I need but, now that I am going though some difficult times with myself he has just checked out. He doesn't do anythign except tell me how bad I suck and how lazy I am and he just yells and bitches at me all the time. That is the extent of our communication. I try to talk to him and I get shut down. He is not going to have any of that! I am just tired of it. I want someone that is not afraid to talk to me. Someone who cares about my well being not just want me to do something because they think that is what I should be doing! He doesn't care about my feelings or anything really! I tell him things that I am feeling and he just blows it off! I am so conflicted I don't know what to do!

I am all over the place !

I am an emoitonal basket case today! One minute I am down and then angry and then sad and then happy. It the emoitions change so quickly and it is annoying! So, I was about to have sex with my husband and it was making me angry. I didn't want to and now even looking at him makes me mad. I hate the way he talks to me and I was just pissed off that I had to have sex with him! When we were done I was crying and I am not even sure why but I was just laying there thinking to myself do I even love him anymore. Then that led me to thank about this guy that I am talking to thinking that he doesn't even really like me. He likes the girl that he thanks I am and I am wondering why I even talk to him because he likes the girl I wanna be. I want to be with him so bad but I know he would never ever be with the real me! It is sad but that is my life!

Simply Pathetic

I am just sitting here thinking about how truly fucked up that I am! I pretend to be other girls and talk to boys for attention get them to really like me and sometimes I really like them back but, I can't do anything about it because they think I am someone else even though i know who I have feelings for they don't and it is just stupid and I don't know why I continue to do but I do and I am so stupid! Hopefully I will be able to stop!

I don't get it

So, I have been married for 7 years to this man and I don't understand why he has changed doesn't treat me the same. I just don't feel love anymore.
He used to care and take care of me but be has stopped it feels like we are roommates that have sex and have a kid together. It is very sad. I remember the days when I would just want to lay in his arms or hold his hand or even just be close to him but it isn't like that anymore.
It is like he woke up one morning and decided that he wasn't going to be the same man I married and well I am having a hard time getting use to it. Where did our love go?

Tonight I wanna die!

I was so sad today and all I kept thinking about was cutting myself. I didn't but it has been on my mind all day. I have such an intense ache in my heart and I feel like it needs to be released but I don't know how. I don't have anyone that I can talk to that understands how I feel or even really listen to what I have to say! So, I sit and cry and resist the urge to do the thing that I know will make me feel better!

Oops!

Well, I have been caught ..... One of the guys figured it out becuase I am stupid and left her name on one of the pictures. I can't believe I am that stupid. O' well he got my nerves any way so, I am slowly dwindling down the guys and I don't know if I even wanna play this game anymore. It is so much work just for a little self gratification.

I just want to give up!

"Nobody said it was easy but, nobody said it was this hard!'

I have a constant ache in my heart and I don't know how to fix it. I try so hard to pretend that I am ok but I am not..... I am soooooo far from being ok! Nothing makes me happy and I just want to avoid the world in general but they won't let me! I can' t snap out of it! I am living in a dark hole and I can't climb out! I try to pretend that I am someone else to help me cope and at least for a moment it makes me feel a little bit of happiness but, it hurts so bad all in the same. I can't even remember the last time I didn't feel like this. I am gone and I am afraid that I may never come back! I am falling deeper and deeper and no one is trying to pull me back up! I am so sure that everyone is tired of me and think that I am making excuses but they don't know how I feel and how hard it is to escape the pain.
I try so hard to feel better and I try to do things for other people just so I can get a thank you or you are great or just anything positive becuase I feel like I am around nothing but negative and I know I don't make it easy but when I am being difficult that is when I need you to love me the most!
I have lost my desire to do anything that I once loved and I just want to give up.
　

Boys Boys Boys!

I am getting so overwhelmed with these boys and their crazy feelings!

I have one that is cute and I liked talking to him at 1st but he is just so freaking needy. He wants this from me and that from me and well I just don't have time to deal with it! So, I tried to tell him I was done and he basically begged for me not to be! I explained to him the problems and I said I would continue to talk to him but, I can't have all the pressure put on me!

So, this other boy I just recently started talking to is completely insane. He goes from 1 minute saying that he is so lucky he is talking to me and I try to reassure him that I am a normal girl and then he sends me crazy texts saying stuff like thank you for playing with my heart when I just got off the phone with him and we had a nice conversation. He has a lot of insecurities that I am not sure I can handle.

Then the other boy who thinks we are going to get married but puts no time or effort into really talking to me. We are in different time zones so it makes it difficult to be on the same track but I try to talk to him and well I just feel like I am getting nothing in return!

Then there is boy # 4 who is totally cool to talk to. We have only been talking for a couple of days but seems totally awesome.

Black

Apparently it is ok to treat me like shit as long as your name is Michael. Your mom can watch him abuse me physically and talk to me however he wants but if I try to defend myself or even talk to him  I am in the wrong. I am so tired of living b/c I am worthless. I don't do anything so, I have no reason to live. In fact everyone would probably be better off without me. So, I might just do it. I could take some pills and just go to sleep and never wake up and not have to deal with him or mom or even try to be a good sister and try to do the right thing b/c nothing I do is right! I am not even a good mother according to everyone so, maybe B will be better off he has a new mom! My heart is broken b/c I am not loved and and I just want to be loved Fuck'em all! I'm out!

CrAzY

So, here I am doing my thing talking to random guys!

I am one girl that is head over heels for this boy and I know that he is an awesome guy and any girl would be lucky enough to be with him but, it's not gonna happen for me b/c I am not me! I love and hate it all at the same time!

So, I am another girl who talks to a few different guys and omg they are crazy about her but, I could care less if I talked to them again!

It's just that 1st boy as got me thinking that maybe just maybe he could love the real me!

O' boy!

Wow, I have never met a guy like you!  You are funny, smart and good looking adn you don't have a problem communicating.  You seem to be a dream come true but a dream that is not mine.  We would be perfect together except you think I am ugly.  You don't know that the girl you are talking to is that fat girl that messaged you.  When am I going to learn to stop messing with these boys heads.  I keep trying to figure out how I can make it work but,  I just can't. I am not going to tell you the truth but I don't know what I am going to do!

Little Liar

So, kinda liked talking to you. Wait I did like talking to you and you had a girlfriend! So, I busted you out and you said you were sorry but, I don't even care!  You are just another guy who lies to get what they want but, I lied to you so I can't be that mad.  Sorry I could've been the best thing you ever had!

So, over you!

Well, I am now over that boy and have moved on to a few others! Stay tuned for more obessive and broken hearted stories!

blah! blah! blah!

So, here I am up at 2am and guess who I am thinking about.....that's right! I keep thinking that maybe he will call or text me but I am just telling myself lies! I decided that when he goes back to school I am gonna just call him outta the blue and see if he wants to meet up! Maybe he will be drunk and agree to it! haha! I am so silly! It makes me so mad that I can't get him out of my head!

Emails I sent to HIM!

Sent June 21st 2011 

First of all I want you to know that I think you are AMAZING and I have never felt the way I feel when I am talking to you. I love your voice and how comforting it is and when you can sense that something is wrong with me and we barely know each other. I love the way you make me feel about myself. I also love that you sing to me and seem genuinely happy to talk to me.  Now with that said I have to tell you something.  When I signed up on plenty of fish I was bored and thought it would be fun just to talk to some guys.  I never anticipated that you would be out there. I have very strong feelings for you and I don't know how to process them.  This is so hard to tell you because I care for you so much and I don't want to hurt you.  The profile I made was not the real me.  I found some random girls pictures and I used those. Everything else is real except the name.  I am saying this again I did this out of boredom and had no idea that I would feel the way I do about you.  Guys were messaging me asking questions so I had to come up wth a story.  I am not in school and I am not a math teacher.  I do not own a jeep. I do have a toyota 4runner. I have 2 sisters.  My dad is not a dr he works in construction and he is my real dad.  My mom does not plan weddings.  After I told you these things I felt like I couldn't tell you the truth. I am sorry for that.  You said that it didn't matter what I looked like you would stil like me. Well, I look nothing like that I girl ( I do think I am pretty).  All the things I said about the way I feel is 100% true. I regret letting it go this far.  I said that I made the profile because I was bored and that is partly true.  I have been married for 7 years and I am not sure if we are supposed to be married anymore.  Our marriage is falling apart ... we have been having problems for months now.  We don't even sleep in the same bed anymore and we don't even say I love you.  I guess I just did it to give me something I was missing. I have never in my life ever done anything like this before and I dont know what to think. I am so confused.  My birthday is tomorrow and I will be 30.  I have a 2 year old son and that is another reason I am conflicted if it wasn't for Brody I would have ended the marriage a long time ago.  I am trying to be a good mother and do what is best for him but I also want to be happy and talking to you I have been the happiest I have been in years.  My name is Lynsey and I am the owner of Luxe Images. I am also an insurance agent but I am not working doing that right now.  I feel so bad that I lied to you about some things but our conversations were about me and my life for the most part.  I know that this was not what you expected but that is me making bad decisions and hurting people.  After you read this I have no idea what you are going to think of me but I still want you to want me.  I do believe that things happen for a reason and for some reason I messaged YOU. The 1st night we talked I began to love you.  I guess that is all I have to say and if you never speak to me again. I want you to thank you for showing me that I need to be happy! xoxox


Sent June 22nd 2011

I am sorry that I am writing you again after you said that you didn't want to talk to me anymore but, I just have a couple of things to say.  If I had known that you were such an amazing guy I would have never ever lied to you. I am sorry that I embarassed you. I am sorry that I lied.  It's just that you made me so happy and I don't know if it was because of what you thought I looked like but you said that didn't matter. I am not a liar.  I promise. I just got caught up in the story I made up. I know its not your problem but I can't stop crying thinking that I will never get to speak to you again, All I want is to be happy and this past week you have made me happier than I can ever remember.  I just don't know why it was you.  The most amazing wonderful guy that I talked to and became so over the moon for.  I will not ask you to do anything that you are not comfortable with but what if we are supposed to be together.  I know I can love you with my whole heart. I swear that I would never do this to you. I have never done anything like this before and I am not sure why I did. I guess i was tired of not being loved.  I don't want to be the girl that thinks about you for the rest of my life wondering what if.  I have never cheated on a boyfriend or my husband.  I honestly don't believe in it but something happened that night and I just can't get you out of my head!  I don't understand why it had to be you. It would've been ok if you were a jerk like most guys are but no you had to be Spencer the sweetest, amazing, wonderful guy!  It is my birthday and I am crying just wanting to talk to you.  I just want to hear your voice. I know I sound pathetic but, I have never ever felt the way I do about you.  I don't know I  am just sorry and wish that I was honest and never did what I did because I want you in my life. I promise I will never lie to you again ever ever ever. If you were telling me the truth about how you felt about me than I am that girl that you have been talking to. Just tell me this ..... Am I that easy to forget? Are you not gonna miss talking to me?  Can we meet thursday and just hang out and after you meet me you don't wnat to talk to me agan OK but I just feel like letting you out of my life will be the biggest mistake I will ever make. Please reply to this or call me!  I also attached some pictures so you could see what I looked like!   Sent June 22nd 2011   Ok, I need you to help me get some things straight in my head!  I totally understand what I did was very messed up.  I just want to know if I wasn't married and you knew what I looked would you have even talked to me?  I just need to know that either way! I promise I will leave you alone!  Even though I am totally upset and mad at myself I just need that questioned answered.  So, please can you just do that one thing for me?   Sent July 6th 2011    Ok, obviously you don't want to talk to me anymore and that is fine.   I just wish I knew what I did to make you all of sudden not want to talk to me because our last conversation you said I will talk to you tomorrow.  Well that has been 3 days now. This all I want to say ..............  I just want you to know that I am sorry for pulling you into my craziness.  I am dealing with some things in my lfie and using you to forget or pretend that those things don't exist was wrong.  After getting to know you I began to really care for you and I still and probably always will.   You made me happier than I have been in a long time and even though it was very brief you made me see things a little different.  Like I said it wasn't fair to you that I drug you into my false reality.  I think that you are truly wonderful and you have a great heart. I know that who ever is lucky enough to be your wife will be truly blessed.  I wish we could've parted on better terms so I could have said all this to you.  I know that you don't owe me anything and I am sorry for everything.  I think you are amazing and I want nothing but great things for you!

Why can't I get you out of my head?

I swear .... I can't stop thinking about him! I will just find myself thinking of him all through out the day! I don't understand because clearly he has no interest in me and I should not have any interest in him but, I just can't get him out of my head! I hear a song and think about him .... I just start drifing into a daydream and remember the nights we talked and how he made me feel and keep replaying our last conversatin together! I just looked through his pictures on FB ( I can still do that even though he blocked me) and I am trying so hard to remember his voice but I am forgetting the way it sounds and I start to think was it really him? Why is he so freaking specail? Why am I still obessing over him! Please just get out of my head ... thanks!

Wow .....

I am totally speechlesss!  You blocked me on FB!  Seriously?!  I guess I was forcing you to do something ... I either wanted you to talk to me or delete me as a friend but I never dreamed you would block me! You are a bitch!

Why am I afraid to lose you when you're not even mine...

Ok, so I haven't talked to him in 2 days!  It is so hard for me to not contact him but, I have decided that I am no longer gonna chase him!  I just wish I knew why he doesn't want to talk to me!  The last time we talked he never made me think that it would be the last time!  It is frustrating not knowing!  I hate being ignored!  I am trying to check his FB less and I think that I have done that but the later it gets I really do hope that he is gonna call!  I hope I get over this soon!  It is making me crazy!

So Yesterday!

Just a quick note:   Ok, so can you make in less obvious that when I log onto FB and you are already logged on you immediately log off.   Really,  I think it is stupid and but, I guess you are scared I am gonna message you or something .... Um, that was so yesterday!  I am done chasing you!  You don't want to talk to me and that is clear so, I will not be the girl who begs and pleads for you to talk to me .... it's just so stupid! I am not doing it!

Really?

I can't believe this is happening right now.  I am sitting here crying and I feel an ache in my chest. Seriously, I can not believe this is happening.  I am such a dumb girl to half way think that he had any feelings or cared about me in any way.  Why would I and why am I doing this to myself?  I manage to convince myself during the day that I am not going to try and contact him but without fail I do ... try at least! 
All day today everytime I thought about him I told myself that I wasn't going to call, text or message him! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!  So, I sent him a text @ 12:22 and I know he received because it said delivered @ 12:23. I don't get a response which is normal.  So, I wait and tell myself if he doesn't call everything will be ok. but he doesn't call so, I see that he is on FB so, I message him and waited and 5 minutes later he is logged off.  So, now I am lying in bed crying and writing while I feel rejected!  I did this to myself! I should've gone the rest of my life not knowing he existed but it's too late for that now.  I just don't understand.  I don't get it.  I don't get how or why he is doing this to me.  Is he punishing me for what I did to him?  That is just mean.  I told the truth and I accepted the fact that I wasn't going to talk to him again but NO.  He had to call me back.  Why did he say for some reason I like talking to you?  Why has he continued to talk to me?  Why did he act like he may still like me?  Why did I lie to myself? Why have I been staying up half the night just in case he calls?  I should know better than to let him do this to me.  Why can't he just talk to me and be honest so, I can get over him?  I mean I get it ..... he doesn't want to talk but why can't he just tell me instead of ignoring me?  I keep replaying our conversations in my head and he never led me to think that he didn't want to talk to me until tonight and he made it perfectly clear! I get it! I am just a stupid girl that is hung up on this boy she barely knows.
So, I lay here crying because I will never hear his voice again and that makes me so sad!  Why am I such a stupid girl?

What you do to me!

You are what makes me happy! 

You make me want to be a better person!

You give me back my confidence that I lost!

You make me smile when I think of you!

You drive me crazy by just being you!

If we lived in the same town ......

* I would hope that you would invest more time with me because its not fair that I feel the way I do and you just get to do you.

* I would drive to your house and ask you all the things I want to know.

* I would become that crazy stalker girl that wouldn't leave you alone.

* I would probably still go to bed heart broken every night!

you + me = 0

We must have been soulmates in another life!   That's the only thing that makes sense.  That explains my intense feelings for you.  That explains me longing to be with you.  It explains why I have a broken heart because in this life I can't be with you and because I am not with you I am not whole.  I am truly not me.

As I am writing all this stuff I realize how creepy it sounds and pathetic I look.  I see that!  I understand but it doesn't make this any less harder and it doesn't make my heart hurt any less!

I am so over it!

So, here I am just sitting here and thinking about Josh and how I am not going to call him or text him or message him! I am also sitting hoping that he calls me or texts me or messages me! I know I am just a silly girl!

"You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess."

I just found this quote today and it reminded me a lot of how I feel neglected in my marriage! He doesn't tell me I am pretty anymore unless he is having or trying to have sex with me ... o wait that has stopped too. We barely talk and when we do we usually wind up being hateful to one another. I don't know what it is. He just seems like he would rather be anywhere else than with me and I feel that way a lot times too! I am just trying to figure out what happened and where did we lose the love! Will we be able to get it back? Do we even want to? Ok, I know that I am not the easiest person to be with these days but, I still need things and you know the things that I am wanting so badly right now he never ever gave me! I want someone to talk to me. We can't even talk without it turning it into something big! For instance we have been looking at houses to buy and we went to this house and we were able to peak insude and so Landon asks me what I thought about it. So, I tell him I don't like the kitchen cabinets or the railing and I am not sure because it is so far out! He gets pissed off at me and says that I need to shut the F up about the F'n cabinets! I had already told him I didn't like the cabinets when we looked at it online but, how was I supposed to know that when he asked what I thought I wasn't supposed to mention things I had already said! How dumb he gets pissed off at me because I said I didn't like the cabinets twice. That is just ridiculous. These are the type of things that happen on a daily basis and so, now I am so over it! I just want to be happy with someone that loves me the way I need to be loved!

There you go again pulling me back in!

So, I had just decided I was done with you and I was going to quit thinking about you and I wasn't going to message you or text you or especially call you! So, guess what you do ...... you call me and apologize for not calling me all day! WTF is that crap! Now how am I supposed to be mad at you? You do your little cocky thing and then you let me go. It was less than a 5 minute conversation but there is just something about you something that makes me want you and no matter how hard I try to resist......... you just go pulling me right back in!

It's not always rainbows and butterflies!

I allow my heart to get broken on a daily basis!   I’m done!  Why am I trying so hard to keep him in my life when he could care less!  Why?  I am just a stupid girl that believes in fairytales but I forget that is all make believe and I am not a princess and he is no prince!  As I sit here and wait for 2 hrs and get nothing from you my heart hurts and it doesn’t even make sense it doesn’t make sense at all!  You are probably laughing at me because you think I am so pathetic!  I am!  I am!  I sit here waiting, wishing, hoping and end up being disappointed. I am just a stupid stupid girl! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdY9tpAYTtY&feature=fvst

You are like a drug!!!!!

O boy, I don't get you at all! I don't understand why you are talking to me! All though i am not complaining! Our talks are somewhat different and very less frequent but I do love them! I love to hear your voice even if you are in a bad mood! I love you cockiness when you are feeling good! I love that you messaged me today 1st! :) What is it? What is it about you that I can't get out of my head! Why do I long to have some sort of contact with you ? I don't even care what it is a text message which you also did that today out of the blue! An IM or a phone call those are simple things that make me happy these days and they are all about you! I know! I know! I know! That I should not be talking to you but I can't help it I love it! You are like a drug I can't get enough and you always leave me wanting more! O boy, Why do you do this to me?

Don't love someone when you know they back can't love you.

Is there a better place, To be right now, Than to be home, Listening to the crickets’ sounds, Outside the windows. Is there a better place, To be right now, Than in the bed, Closing my eyes, Falling into a deep sleep, To forget about the days, Forget about the nights, Forget about you. Heartbroken, Nothing better than to sleep, To forget that you are gone,  I want to forget, I want to leave this world, Close my eyes, Fall to sleep to stop the heart, From beating. I block my ears, From hearing the sounds, Like your voice, Like when you sing to me, Those lovely songs, They sounded to tender, Now they kill me, They hurt me, I don’t want to hear anything, Don’t want to hear the birds, Chirping outside the windows. Don’t want to see my face, Don’t want to see you, Don’t want anything, That has to do with you, I want to close, I want to block away, The world to stop the pain, In my heart. I want my heart to stop beating,

You make me CrAzY!

What the hell am I doing?
Why am I letting you do this to me?
So, I guess we talk on the phone again but last night you said you would call me back and you didn't.  I texted you today and got nothing! So, I want to text you RIGHT NOW but, I don't want to seem desperate.
You are driving me cRaZy and I think you like it!


So, last night on the phone he tells me that he has dated a 41 year old woman.  Which made me feel weird and so, I asked if they had sex and he says alot of it! *totally rolling my eyes*  So,  I am kind of weirded out by this and then he tells me how hot she was and this and that!  So, I am not really saying anything at this point because well I have nothing to say!  He says " So why are you mad?"  Which I reply "I am not mad!"  So, he says " I can tell by your silence that it bothers you"  which pisses me off how the hell can he tell how I am feeling when we have only talked on the phone for like 10 days! How does he do that?  That makes me nuts!  My husband can't even do that when we are sitting in the same room and we have been together almost 10 years! 

10 days? - 10 years?   Something is wrong with this picture!

So we are playing games now?!!!!

You wanted to make sure I got home safe ..... So, you did...... I just took it as you being a nice guy..... but you call me an hr later and tell me you like talking to me.......then you tell me to come see you ................. I explained I was sorry and tried my best to tell you the reasons why I did what I did ....... you said you understood but its pretty fucked up ..... I agree..... I told you I cried all day on my birthday becauase I felt so bad ... and you said you were sorry........ We talked for 2 hours .... and then you said had go ..... I ask you so, what does this mean ..... and you said I don't know text me tomorrow ..... so I did...... and I get nothing from you..... WTF!!!!!

It's Hard.......

In the morning when I wake up and realize I didn't talk to you last night!
For some reason when my phone rings for a split second I think it might be you!
I check my email several times a day hoping that you replied to me!
When I listen to the songs you told me about!
When I am up at 4am and I am just here with my thoughts.
I wonder what you are doing and if you are thinking about me.

I am sorry I was born!

How are you supposed to feel when you realize that you ruined someones life?

I was talking to my mom today just about life and she shared stories that I had already heard and things I already knew but today when she was talking about how her life changed when she was pregnant with me and how my dad wanted her to have an abortion.  I already knew this but, hearing the words today hurt.  I mean he didn't want me ... but here I am!  She even told me dad didn't even come pick us up at the hospital.  I mean I know I shouldn't take it personal but it hurt my heart today. I can't even imagine how mom must have felt.  I just think "WOW" I could've never been born if my dad had his way. My mom tells me that when I was little my dad loved on me but I don't remember him showing me love.  I wonder if he looks at me thinks that is what ruined my life.

I am damaged at best! I'm falling apart! I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating

What if I was born 10 years later?

I have a broken heart! I was so stupid to think things could change.  As I sit and cry on the night before my birthday I am so confused and don't know what to do but, do I even have a choice?

So,  today (my bday) I have been going over the things that  happened this past week.  I believe that things happen for a reason.  I was given a glimpse of how happy I could actually be.  That is what is making me sad!  I don't know how it happened. I never dreamed anything like this but when I looked at the moon something in my heart changed.  I began to question my life and really take a look at what is going on.  What am I doing?  Why do I feel the need to escape from my own reality?  I was shown sometimes things need to change and it isn't ok to be complacent.  I feel like I let something great out of my life. What am I supposed to learn from all this?  I just don't understand if it never happened I wouldn't be suffering right now.  I feel like my heart is broken and it sucks when you break your own heart.

I will never forget 4 am!

I was swept off my feet and my heart skipped a beat!

So,  I met this super cute guy.  It was almost love at 1st sight (remember I fall hard and fast)! It was one of those nights you never wanted it to end because you felt perfect in that moment.  We looked at the moon and the stars and you had my heart! I felt so wonderful everytime we talked.  I was just taking it all in and loving it. I knew I had to tell you the truth because I did care for you so much but the truth sucked and messed everything up! I only knew you for one week but I cried like I lost the greatest love of all!

Landon

I knew that I would marry Landon that morning but I kept it a secret and began to focus on developing our friendship and we became very close.  I would notice myself making up excuses to just to be around him.  Finally,  I told him that we needed to talk and I just shared my feelings that I liked him and I would like it if we could start dating again.
This time was different Landon had matured and we were both ready for a real relationship.  We gave eachother our hearts.  I noticed that when I gave him my heart it was banged up a little but he got all of it.  We were married about 2 years later all of my family loved him. They would go on and on about how lucky I was to have him. I began to doubt myself in the relationship and began to think back and ask was God really telling me marry Landon or was that me because everyone seems to think he deserves better.  My heart was being pricked at by all of these people slowly taking it away from Landon. I continued to doubt that I was supposed to be his wife.  We fought a lot.  He tried to reassure me that he loved me and I was the one for him but I could see the truth in what people were saying.  We started our marraige out with my damaged heart, a lot of debt and not enough money to pay the bills.  My heart started to build anger and frustration inside. I was going crazy I couldn't do it  .  Durinng this time he started acting funny about what he was doing and being weird about his phone so one night after he fell asleep I noticed calls and text messages from this number who turned out to be Summer some girl I did not know.  My heartbroke right then because I was sacrificing myself for him and being a good wife while he was talking to another girl.  I had to wait until I had proof before I confronted him and my heart broke more everyday.  Even though I had proof he says nothing happened and won't tell me to this day.  I moved on but never forgot!  We decided it was time to start a family.  We both had great jobs so, it just seemed like the right time.  I became pregnant and Landon and I grew closer to eachother.  He treated me great and everything was going to be wonderful from then on.  Well, 2 months after Ryan was born Landon lost his job. I took on a 2nd job and did that for 6 months.  He finally found a job but my heart was getting harder. I resented him for the fact I had to work two jobs while he did nothing.  Not to mention I had post-parturm depression,  I had a newborn so sleep wasn't happening and I was full of resentfullness.  That did not make for a happy marriage.  I began going downhill not being able to handle things and eventually was no longer to work becasue of my depression.  Now we live with my parents and he hates me because we live here and I hate him because he talks down to me and his very critical of everything I do. I don't receive compliments and never get genuine affection.  We don't say I love you and we don't sleep in the same bed.  After 9 years of marriage I am not so sure we can make it. He tramples on my already broken heart!

The start of a broken heart

What a way to start of my 30's ........... brokenhearted!  As long as I can remember I have always wanted to be loved so, I would give my whole heart right off the bat. Once you give your whole heart it is never the same. As I sit and ponder over all the guys that were in my life.  All of whom I think about from time to time.  I wonder is it because I gave each of them my heart and it was never given back to me in the same shape I gave it.  I have always fallen hard and loved deeply and never wanted to let go.  Time dulled the pain of each failed relationship and I moved on.  I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason.  So, I know each relationship was there for me to learn, grow and become stronger. 


Aiden .....  He was my 1st love and 1st kiss.  I was 12 and he was 15 when we met.  I don't even remember a time before him that I was even really interested in boys but Aiden was a charmer and cute too.  He  made me feel like I was the only girl in the world when we were together but I was naive.  I took in all the compliments and all the I love yous and everything that made me feel great.  Even though I was never actually his girlfriend I would do anything just to get the attention when he decided to give it.  I grew up and began to see how he "loved me".  I was pretty much his back up plan but he had my heart and he knew it and used it to his advantage.  Two years of loving and crying left me with a broken heart.


Brian ..... He was my 2nd love and my 1st sexual partner.  I was 14 and he waas 16.  He played football and he let me wear his letterman's jacket.  It didn't take me long to get attached and to give him my heart. He was one of those guys that told you how pretty you were and how happy they made you.  Towards the end of the relationship I became his back up plan and then it was over and he had my heart in his hand he shattered it and then handed me the broken pieces.  I cried and cried and cried because he chose to be with someone other than me. 
That began the question that has never left my head.... " What is wrong with me?"


Cameron ....  I didn't really think about him at 1st because he didn't really seem interested in me but a mutual friend thought we should be together so we gave it a shot.  I was 15 and he was 16 and he had his own truck!  This relationship moved at such a fast pace.  I was loving him on the 2nd day!  We began to spend all of our free time together.  I was in love!  This relationship became very toxic.  He played games with my heart/head and he knew no matter what he did I would always be there.  He started college and I was a senior in High School that changed our relationship dramatically.  I didn't really have any friends because I was always with him but he began to do things with his friends while I stayed home and cried hoping he would call.  That was such agony.  Well as we saw eachother less and less we decided that it would be ok to date other people.  Well, it didn't take him long and when I would call him he would have to call me back because he was with another girl.  I let him keep my heart while he dated other girls. I began to date another guy and he didn't like that very much.  If I wasn't at his beckon call he would be so hateful to me.  He still had my heart no matter how he mistreated me or how many girls he saw.  I would always hope that he would want to be with me forever. I think I really knew that it was over but I just couldn't bring myself to believe it.  We continued the horrible relationship through the summer and we went on vacation together but we both knew it was over.  On our drive home from FL we talked about it all and I think somewhere in LA it was over. He handed me my heart back with cracks, holes and bruises.  I tried to control my emotions. I remember the long drive home knowing this was the last time we would be together and I had such a heaviness in my chest and I was fighting back tears.  He droppd me off at home and handed me my bags and I stood in the drive way watching the man I thought I would marry drive away! I fell to my knees holding my heart knowing that it would take a long time to heal!


The came the boys that were just there to soothe my heart while it tried to repair itself. 
Casey ,,,,, He was the 1st of those boys.  I looked at him god like. I felt so beneath him but I was determined to get what I wanted.  Casey never held my heart even though we dated for a month or so.  He made me feel so lucky to be with him. He was also a charmer. I had hoped something more would come out of it but another girl came a long and I was tossed a side. 
Next the story goes a boy here a boy there. I didn't care as long as I had a boy. I had put my damaged heart in a lock box and no one was gonna touch it.  That was true for several years.  I wasn't going to get hurt because my heart was very fragile.  Then came Landon! He was such a nice guy and he was a lot more into me than I was into him.  We dated for a couple of months but I had to end it because my heart was still locked away and he wasn't going to have it. 
Now I was in college and doing great in the boy department.  I had crushes on several guys.  I would date here and there but nothing serious. Landon was still in my life because we had mutual friends  but he hated me. I guess because I took some of his heart.  After a while we were able to have a decent friendship in fact I had a lot of great friendships. I still dated a little but I had decided the next boy who gets my heart will be my husband.  My heart was damaged and I had to save what was left for him so, I stopped dating and started praying.  I prayed that God would send me the perfect husband  someone that truly loved me and I loved him back.  I said the same prayer night after night month after month for a couple of years. 
One morning I woke up with peace of mind and the answer to my prayer ...............